Growing Up Faithful

I’m somewhere between 7 & 10 and on the healing side of a bad batch of poison ivy that left large, oozing spots on my face. My mom says “We’re not going to church today” and I feel an overwhelming relief. I never told her just how good it felt not to have to go, or how much guilt I had over feeling that way.

I should have an attitude toward church that is good. I could be more faithful.

I’m somewhere between 9 & 12, and I’m sweating in the airplane seat as I wrestle with myself over witnessing to the grown man sitting next to me. I really don’t want to, but how can I be ashamed of my faith? Of God? How can I have his immortal soul’s proverbial blood on my hands because I’m too scared to share the gospel with him?

I have to be good. I have to be faithful.

I’m somewhere between 14 & 16, and I’m nervous about the swimsuit portion of the pageant competition I’m in. Most of the girls wear bikinis, but I know my body is only for my future husband and I don’t want to tempt any men in the audience with it

I am so good. I am so faithful.

I’m somewhere between 17 & 18, and I defy even my parents' questioning to attend a fundamentalist institution to educate me in a biblical worldview for the glory of God. I say all the right things, I pack up all the right clothes. I’m probably going to marry a pastor or a missionary.

It will be so good. I will be even more faithful. 

I’m somewhere between 19 & 20. I come face to face with a broken theology, and I see it clearly for the first time. Come to think of it, there’s a lot of broken theology around here. This isn’t adding up. This doesn’t make sense. 

This can’t be good. I don’t know if I can be faithful.

I’m somewhere between 22 & 27. A lot has changed since I packed my bags and went to a secular college. I’m really lost and scared, but I’m taking risks and trying. I’m still somewhere between the old me and what I hope I’m becoming. I lean on red wine a little too much. The people I date sure do lie and hurt my feelings a lot. They seem really into everything but taking me seriously. Being four hours late without calling is normal, right?

But they’re good. They don’t have to be that faithful. 

Now, I’m somewhere between 34 & the rest of my life. I’ve taken bigger chances than I thought I could. I’ve traveled, devoured novels and delicious meals, and educated myself on the world around me. I’ve been married and divorced. It’s rare that I see the bottom of a wine bottle these days. I have a walking pad under my desk where a stack of books on the topic that I’m trying to make my future sits. I love being in therapy. I have collected a myriad of skills, experiences, and hard-learned lessons. I hope there will be a lot more. I stopped kissing people who don’t taste like stability sprinkled with joy, and now I’m marrying someone who makes me feel like we can have the best of the whole world, right in our living room. I love myself. I take care of myself.

I see a life ahead of me that is good… because to myself, I am faithful.